Discipline and Empathy
by paynesgrey
Summary: Michael tells Sylvia that captains compose their feelings well under pressure. Sylvia believes in the importance of empathy and that she doesn't need to change her nature to be a good captain.


_Author's Notes: Written to take place around Season 1, Episode 8 "_ _Si Vis Pacem, Para Bellum". Thank you to Joell for the beta job. Written for monanotlisa for her bid at fandom loves puerto rico on Dreamwidth. Oneshot._

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 **Discipline and Empathy**

Cadet Sylvia Tilly had only about five more minutes to keep her emotions in check before her shift ended, and then she could go back to her quarters and process all of the verbal abuse she had endured from Lieutenant Stamets today.

She had thought that his mood had improved from the days before. It had given her some relief because when she started on the _Discovery,_ working with him had been a personality was wound up so tightly that she rarely had any confidence in a friendly working relationship with him.

Which was odd, because she felt it was her talent to make any moody and cynical person friendlier just by spending a few minutes with them. It even worked with Michael Burnham for crying out loud! Even if winning her over had taken her a bit longer than most people she encountered.

Lieutenant Stamets was definitely eccentric, and after mixing with the Tardigrade's DNA he was definitely more light-hearted and the whole of Engineering felt lighter from his mood.

They needed someone with a lighter mood, especially when Captain Lorca was in command. (Cadet Tilly didn't even want to think about being friends with the Captain; she was sure there was a some unofficial Starfleet rule against it.)

Still, today was definitely an _off_ day for Stamets, and though Tilly resisted the urge to comment on his unusual behavior, even suggesting he take some rest, he lashed out at her and took it to a personal place.

Tears had welled up in her eyes, and she had done everything in her power to resist the waterworks in front of him. She could almost hear Burnham scolding her in her head. "You can't cry, Tilly. You must not show him that he gets to you; it's a weakness and he may abuse you more." She'd even said those words in Michael's voice, and she resisted the temptation to snicker. And if Stamets caught her laughing, then she was done for…

Taking a deep breath, she pushed her thoughts and feelings aside, and tried to compose herself as someone unfeeling - Android Tilly, the antithesis of who she really was. She eased into the part she created, and she continued on with her work when finally Stamets went back to his station and dove into his own work.

 _I'm glad I'm not married to him,_ was her idle thought. She only hoped Dr. Culber could put him back in a good mood when he was off his shift.

Her thoughts traveled back to her work, and soon her diligent routine was interrupted by her comm beeping at her. Cadet Williams was behind her ready to take over her post. Her shift was done, and she let out a massive sigh of relief - almost as if she had been holding in her breath the entire time.

She nodded to Williams, gave him a small smile, and left out the door as fast as she could to her quarters. Stamets was William's' problem now.

When the doors opened to her quarters, Michael was already lounging on her bed engrossed in something on her computer PADD. Tilly hoped she wouldn't notice her before she made it to the bathroom, but her roommate met her eyes with a warm expression. Instantly, she had sensed something amiss in Tilly's disposition.

"Bad day?" she asked. "Are you unwell?"

"No," Sylvia said shaking her head. "Stamets was not in a good mood today. I got berated several times." Sylvia let out a long sigh, and she rubbed her eyes with her palms.

Concerned, Michael's smile disappeared. "Was there an incident? The Lieutenant appeared to be in better spirits lately. It is unusual to hear that his mood has gotten worse."

"He's...erratic, and he's not as focused, and if you call him out on it, he pulls rank and tears you down. It's rather… distressing," Sylvia said. "I can't believe anyone in Engineering can function with his mood swings."

"Is it something we should inform the captain about? Maybe the doctor?"

Sylvia shook her head and rolled her eyes. "I'm guessing Dr. Culber knows about it. Or Stamets is hiding it really well at home." She took another deep breath and noticed the tears were still brimming unshed in her eyes. She was trying hard to pull the feelings back, but it was a challenge. With Michael next to her boring her eyes into her as they spoke, it was even more difficult to compose herself.

It didn't help when Tilly took another deep breath that sounded like a sniffle. She wiped a stray tear.

"Tilly, what exactly did he say? You're acting very emotional," Michael said, and even though her roommate had professed at trying to get more in touch with her human feelings lately, she easily slid back into logical Vulcan mode. Tilly prepared herself for a scolding, which only heightened her emotions.

When her words came out in an ugly sob, she let go of the pent up feelings from the day. "You know, yes, I am very emotional. I can't help it, getting snapped at all day long, or being told that I'd never be a captain so why would he even call me that? I must be mistaken or trying to mess with him. Or if I continued to defy him I probably wouldn't make it to Ensign within the next five years for being such a flake!"

Michael said nothing at first, trying to process everything Tilly had said. "As long as you didn't break down in front of him… Besides, it sounds like he's not acting like a superior officer should. I really do think something is going on with him and that it's his health."

"I didn't break down in front of him, but it was very hard," Tilly said.

Michael put a comforting hand on her shoulder. "I know, but as a future captain, Cadet Tilly, you know you will face much worse than a temper tantrum by your chief engineer. Trust me when I say that despite Stamets' unusual behavior as of late, most engineers are heated and eccentric. As captain, you will have to reign them in."

Sylvia scoffed. "Easy to say when you're their superior. As a cadet, I just have to take it like a proverbial beating."

"Then take it," Michael said. "Let it harden you so that you are impervious to the poison of words. You will learn to not let something so trivial bother you."

"I know, and I feel even more terrible that I let it get to me," she said, and Michael said nothing. Her words rang true, but Sylvia didn't want to keep having to learn these lessons when they were so obvious. Yet, how she felt and what was rational sometimes didn't coincide. She felt deeply for people, and sometimes her feelings and her good nature would outweigh her Starfleet training and she would impulsively want to follow her heart.

"I know that it goes against your nature to harden yourself against these sorts of challenges," Michael said. "But as a future captain, you must prioritize your reactions."

"I knew you would say something like that," Tilly said with another long sigh. "I have a lot of work to do."

"Not much," Michael said. "Not every captain is the same. You'll find your place in all this." Michael settled back on her bunk and stared at the ceiling. "Truthfully, I still don't know my place in all of this. And sometimes, I feel like well, I don't feel enough. It's just as equally trying when people expect you to act more human and you don't."

Sylvia watched her roommate and tried to empathize with her words. There were some things that even Michael Burnham had to learn. She wasn't perfect in her answers either, and she struggled with emotions, albeit in a different way, as well.

"Still, I think having a little empathy for people will help me be a great captain, even if I don't show the emotions all over my face," Tilly finally surmised.

Michael met her eyes again and smiled. "Exactly. I have known captains that had a lot of empathy, but under pressure, they were cool, calculated and smart. They used their empathy as a tool, not as a deterrent." She noted as an addendum. "Excluding Captain Lorca, of course."

Tilly raised a single eyebrow. "You're talking of your former captain again, aren't you?" Tilly said softly, and Burnham nodded with a faraway look, lost in a memory.

"She was very strong and extremely intelligent, but she also had a lot of empathy for her crew and her friends," Michael said.

"I wish I could have known her," she responded, and Michael nodded.

"Tilly, if I give you advice on captain's skills, can you turn around and help me with empathy? Especially when it comes to relationships?" she asked.

Tilly knew exactly what she meant. She grinned. "Of course."

"I have one more thought to your problem...The next time Stamets berates you, instead of being on the verge of tears, turn that around on him. Be firm, but also be yourself. You're concerned about him, am I right? Make that known. I can't predict his reaction, but it may surprise you," Burnham said, and Tilly considered her words with a lot of confidence.

She yawned and asked the computer to dim their lights. The two chatted briefly before saying goodnight, and Tilly, while thinking of how she was going to approach Stamets the next day, fell into a comfortable sleep once Michael's words had put her at ease.

On her next shift, Cadet Tilly was well rested and determined. She would control her thoughts and feelings and take Burnham's direction to heart. "What would Burnham Do?" Was a catchphrase lodged in her head for every interaction with the Chief engineer.

She watched as his mood had not yet improved the next day, and he had picked some other poor cadet to terrorize. Tilly couldn't stand it any longer, and when he barked out an order to her, she complied hoping he would engage.

When he did, as well as move on to abuse someone else, she stopped him.

"Sir, please, permission to speak freely?" she asked him, and he spun around and met her eyes with some surprise at her audacity.

"Cadet Tilly? Please enlighten me," he said. He sounded less rude and more intrigued. Tilly found hope in that.

"You seem unwell these last few days," she said. He opened his mouth to say something but she interrupted. "And sir," she enunciated as she was not finished with speaking freely. She tilted her head and looked into his eyes. She met his fierce expression with her softer one. "I'm worried about you."

"You're worried about me?" he said in a laugh.

"Yes, I am," she said firmly again. She looked around the room as all eyes were on her, and everyone had stopped their work. "I think we all are."

Stamets huffed, and she was sure he wanted to say something but he appeared to be speechless as he locked eyes with her. He turned away, laughing and returning to his post. "Your concern is noted, Cadet," he said. His voice seemed quieter, and her words had no doubt affected him.

He was mostly copacetic after that. He seemed a bit rattled, but he gave his orders to everyone civilly and was less inclined to bark out insults. Tilly noticed there was a strange pallor to his skin, and sweat was beading on his temples. His eyes seemed redder to her, and he was trying to immerse himself in his work.

When it was time to change her shift again, Stamets followed her out of engineering and hailed her back outside the door in the corridor.

"Cadet Tilly, um," he began. "I just want to apologize for yesterday."

"Please don't," she said. "I mean it when I say I'm concerned." She placed a comforting hand on his arm for a moment and pulled away. She looked at him with firm eyes again. "This behavior is because of your interactions with the Tartigrade DNA, isn't it? You need to tell him if you haven't already. Please."

Stamets opened his mouth and his brow furrowed for a second, and then he caught her meaning. He nodded once and looked away, slightly ashamed.

"He's the most important person to you. He has to know what you're going through." He looked up at her sheepishly, as if knowing she was right. "Trust me," she said.

He nodded again, and she took her leave of him. She smiled to herself as she made her way to the breakroom to meet up with Tyler and Burnham. Maybe Michael hadn't been around to see it, but Tilly knew that her reaction toward Stamets more than proved that she could be a good captain.

She didn't have to change who she truly was either. Perhaps even Michael's former captain would have been proud. Tilly would like to think so.

END


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